As a kid I saw myself watching David Attenborough and dreaming of visiting these amazing landscapes. I wanted to be close to all those animals and watch them do animal things. I used to daydream and imagine myself as Jane Goodall, working in, with and pro nature. Growing up, I realized most of our environment was becoming more and more endangered. Therefore, I decided tp be part of the solution by following the research world in conservation biology.
The job comes with all the adrenalin, every time I have a scientific paper accepted, I do a presentation, win a grant or an award, I learn a new skill on R, every time I feel my results are helping to solve something, and the list continues. The job flexibility and knowledge input is great, and honestly, I don't see myself doing anything else at this point of my life. But by being close to finish my PhD (and at the same time not close at all... ooops), I started thinking more and more about my future. Do I really want to do a postdoc and continue in the academia world? I think academia/research can be great for you, possibly just not for me and/or my personality. Here, I will outburst some of the reasons that make me wonder if research is really the place for me.
1) Imposter syndrome: It is common to talk about 'imposter syndrome' in the academia world. Every time you talk with your colleagues you find out that everyone else has it and that you are not alone in this constant feeling of inadequacy and of not feeling smart or good enough. Will this imposter syndrome last until the end of time? Do I really want to continue a job where I feel constant insecurity?
I noticed my imposter syndrome and self-esteem got worse with time, specifically during my PhD. Nowadays, if someone tells me I did a great job, my brain instantly thinks it is a positive feedback out of pity (condescending) instead of a real positive. If someone gives me a negative feedback, I immediately believe it.
2) 'me, myself and I': I do know, the importance of showing confidence but when a group of researchers are together that confidence turns quickly into a 'showing off' festival. Associated with our ultimate desire to be appreciated, I came to notice that everyone feels the need (liking it or not) to sell themselves among others. There is a need to show we are good enough and for some reason better/smarter than our lab mates or competitors. Therefore, we are also perpetuating this behavior by the way we are among other researchers. One thing I do know, I hate the way I behave around other academics. Although being shy, I keep trying to keep up with everyone else around me, trying to constantly be accepted by the community by showing that I am smart enough and worth it.
"Oh hey, I feel the same way as you" or " I also have imposter syndrome" is often followed by "I just published in this journal and now I have 1000 citations and now we are working on the XXX with XXX, and I just received an email from the expert person number 5." - It feels like hypocrisy to me.
How can we stop feeling like crap when all the incentives are telling as to not feel like that but at the same time acting in a way that perpetuates it?
One example: Often in conferences, when a oral speaker is thrown with questions after the presentation, the attendees often make questions or comments in a away that they can stand out instead of asking it for merely curiosity or interest.
3) I am better than you: The academic culture perpetuates big egos, critical thinking, assertive speech/arguments. While this is healthy at some levels and extremely needed in research, this characteristics promote a constant judgment of others (individual and work related) and can easily turn into humiliation events.
"have you seen his project? It is horrible"
"He does not know what he is doing"
"I would do better than him"
"she does not know that much"
"she does not know what is the statists X"
"they do not even know how to use R"
“your project is not worth publishing”
When you hear comments such as the above mentioned regarding you, your work or others, how do you feel? Do you prefer such comments in your face or behind your back? Does it matter whether this feedback was solicited or not? Would it help by being said in a different way or it would sound too condescending?
I acknowledge, I am guilty of multiple times perpetuating such behaviors instead of stopping them. There is an urgent need to stop this behavior, either being too condescending and/or extremely judgmental. We need to find a middle term, by helping each other instead of bringing others down.
4) People as opportunities: We, often see other researchers as opportunities for future collaborations or future job applications instead of friends. I acknowledge this is a crucial element of being successful in the field. We need to put our name out there, make contacts and constantly talk about science with everyone we know. I sometimes feel I am the only one that feels drained when goes for drinks with colleagues. I used to love talking about what I do, because I loved it and I still love the good parts of the job. Nowadays, I feel drained every time I am around other colleagues. I feel that talking about our work and find new collaboration projects it is more of an obligation than fun. Additionally, I often struggle by being shy, if you don't speak with everyone in the room making yourself heard and to be known, it will not matter if you have papers published or not, because people will not remember you.
5) Toxic environment: Still related with the previous points I came across situations around me that made me think "what is wrong with people?". Not only in research, during your life you always end up encountering toxic people that will do everything to reach their goals (e.g., stealing ideas). You also encounter people that are nor flexible at all and do not accept they may be wrong. When you find these people in your imminent surroundings it becomes a problem. Several times, I cried and saw others crying over situations that could have been avoidable.
6) Low pay checks: I am doing my PhD in Australia and the current minimum wage in Australia is $740.80 per week, which equates to a minimum hourly rate of $19.49. I get paid around $500 per week. My friends that are not in the field (or that left) are probably having way higher paychecks at the end of the month than me at this point. The situation gets much better in a postdoc in Australia but the opportunities are lacking as well as financial support for research, as Portuguese say "there are seven dogs for one bone".
7) Life instability: At the start of my research path I did not mind (and even found fun) to be always moving from country to country. As I am in my 30's I am reaching a point where it is not fun anymore. I love doing fieldwork (the best part of my job) but the part of have to constantly moving my life to another country, leaving family, friends and partner behind is not fun anymore. When will I be back? When will I have a permanent position? after the postdoc? So, I have to wait 4 more years? But after the postdoc, will the job position be permanent? Or is this science fiction?
8) Publishing pressure: The way, we researchers build our CV is by having scientific publications and in good journals. In one day, the number of published papers and the Impact factor of these are mentioned more than once. I constantly feel that I am being looked as an h-index, number of papers published instead of a person. Additionally, I do think we are under extreme pressure to publish our work as fast as we can, or someone else will do it before us. This pressure often causes me stress and sleepless nights.
9) It's mentally draining: So many people around me are depressed, angry and suffer from anxiety (me included). The reasons are multiple and it vary with each individual. I've actually started isolating myself a bit more from all the negative academic culture. At the end of the day, I'm afraid that by spending time with other researchers I will be dragged down indirectly.
In a nutshell, although there are pros- and cons- of being a part of this world I am torn. Although, I believe my mental health ( and social life) would benefit from leaving academia, I am not sure if my life would improve in general by leaving this world.
I know this is a big complain but let me know your thoughts.
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